Sucker punch to the soul

I took my youngest son to the doctor today..for his bi yearly ADHD check up. The doctor went through the usual questions: How was he sleeping (not much..) How much exercise was he getting (he ran three miles this morning and walked the last two with my husband…and then swam in our pool…) and all was going well..until he asked me..

“Are you still working?”

The weight of that question hit me like a right hook to my cheekbone. I think I may have flinched, if ever so slightly.

I put on a false smile and replied, no, no I’m not working now.

“Good” the doctor said. “This gives you more time with your children.” And then he went on with his summation of his exam and findings, and left the room.

I sat there…wanting to vomit. I guess giving up a career is just oh so easy for a woman. I mean, it was only nursing. For twenty-four years. What the fuck. I guess that doesn’t count as a real job.

Except that I’m still not sleeping all the way through the night…I’m being jerked awake, with a roller coaster feeling, several times a night…I’m exhausted. My soul is exhausted.

I’m not demeaning staying home with my children. I love them. They are my priority, which is why I worked part-time.

But I was a nurse. I loved my patients. I loved teaching them, teasing them, calming them.

And I hate the way my job was taken away. And I hate that I cannot legally discuss this yet.

I can only hope that the universe is truly opening a door for me…to a far better future. But closing this one..well, it hurts. A lot.

And I hope that I can sleep tonight.

Sweet dreams.

Healing the caregiver…

I may not win any friends with this post.  Then again, maybe I will.

It’s no secret that I have been a registered nurse for 24 years. During this time, I have worked in emergency, recovery and radiology. I have seen a number of patients that have impacted me personally…their stories stay with me to this day.

However.

There is a dirty little secret about the nursing profession. We all know about it…we nurses that have been doing this for some time…we nurses that believe in advocating for our patients…we nurses that have seen the changes in healthcare, the changes in the guard at our administrations…

It is the bullying in nursing that is unlike any other I have come across in any other profession. I know that this has been historically a mainly female profession. I know that we should be supporting each other…and we do. Until we don’t.

I have seen nurses that have been hand-picked by management, or that have some underlying pathology begin their dirty work. I have seen nurses attack other nurses in such vicious ways… I once had a friend accused of using cocaine because she ate a powered sugar donut and had some white powder on her lip. I have seen  a nurse carry a little notebook in her pocket to write notes on about other nurses, to go back to the manager and “tattle.” I have had a manager come out to the nurse’s station at Christmas time and give gifts to her favorite nurses…in front of all of us..and walk away.

I have personally seen all sorts of mean, underhanded things done to nurses by other nurses. I believe this is done as a means keep nurses scared and unable to organize. See me later for my “Why nurses need to be organized” lecture.

I think that a PhD student of psychology could write their thesis on the pathology of nurses…and why they turn on each other. From the “why nurses eat their young” to retribution against seasoned nurses for speaking out about unfair labor practices, entire articles could be written.

As it stands right now…I don’t see myself returning to nursing. Ever. This makes me very, very sad. But, as any person in an abusive relationship must do…I must save myself.

I am saving myself.

When I can finally  legally write about the final straw that caused me to leave this profession, you gentle readers will be the first to know.

As for now…I’m hanging up my stethoscope. And picking up a pen and microphone.

They say laughter is the best medicine…let me heal people (and myself) with this…