Reality check

I have been struggling with a deep depression since the loss of my job in February. I’m not going to lie about this.

It’s gotten so bad at times that I actually secretly envied my own mother’s escape into her depressions, where she would hide in her room, shades drawn, bedroom door closed..and stay there for a few days at a time…

I wanted that luxury. I wanted to curl up in a ball, hide in my closet, and just cry.

But I know what that does to a child… the fear it causes..then anger… and there was no way I was going to put my children through that.

So as bad as I felt, I pulled myself out of my bed, forced one foot in front of the other.. and life went on. The sun still continued to shine, I continued to heal… and I’m still continuing to work on forgiveness..for all parties involved…myself included.

I think I’m on the verge of a breakthrough on that front.

I recently talked on the phone with the husband of one of my best friend’s. She and I go way back…back to the small town where I grew up. We don’t talk very often, but when we do it’s as if we just saw each other yesterday. We know each other. She and her husband are true salt of the earth type people.. living in a small village, small house, very content with what they have. I need people like this in my life. They remind me of who I really am. Where I come from. And where I am now.

Anyway, I was talking with her husband on the phone..he has lymphoma. He has been fighting this for a while. It doesn’t sound good. We were talking about the betrayal of friends…and he said to me, you know what–a friend of 20 years just betrayed me–terribly. And it really hurt. But I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS NOW.  And neither do you. We have more important things to worry about. He reminded me that I had survived cancer–that I had a second chance on life–that everything else–like the stuff with my job–it’s just bullshit. That our families, our true friends, our health-that is what counts.

He is right.

It still hurts.

I still cry a bit in the shower. But it is slowing down.

I am practicing gratitude.

I will get to forgiveness soon.

And for now I will focus on my family and my health.

Peace.